breathing

i had a little anxiety attack this morning. over mostly nothing, which is what they usually are over. without knowing it i took the steps to make myself better. first of all i stopped giving myself mini deadlines. in ten minutes you will do this. in thirty minutes you will be done there and its imperative to be moving on to this. i woke up famished. set all these other things aside and went down to the coffee shop to get eggs on bialys and a coffee. once there i told myself the only thing on the agenda today from now on, was to breathe. just breathe deep and nothing else. i grabbed a paper called "the indypendent," a paper i didnt know existed until it was in my hand, and scribbles down the back. i sat in the sun of the cafe, and i wrote, and i kept breathing. i used to write a lot. and the feeling came back to me like a wave. something right to do at that moment. and heres what i said to myself.

the train stopped yesterday.
i woke up this morning with ideas.
ideas for what my day should be.
i have never been able to find the line between apprehension and apathy.
the space in between, a large floating space is train my mind doesnt like to get stuck on.
and why cant i have another self
one that steps outside of me and shows me the angle of the skew
my other self raising my hand like a dance to reveal the true light on my path.
i was tired from the wind
off work just a little early.
the train comes right away but after the usual stops, it stops.
someone had stopped the train and my mind started racing.
i survey the individuals in my car, watching as a roulette of imaginary survival spins down.
the shoes i am wearing, the curls in my hair, a piano swelling.
heightened fear, moving the blood. the blood that does not move.
the blood thats stopping right now. the lump in my chest. the lump in my heart.
the space in between. the space that never is.
almost eleven am and ive already defined, destroyed, demanded and redefined my day.
and the origin of this definition is unknown to me.

and after that i felt better. i said. stay in this cafe until your done here. then when your done, do something else, and when that is done, do something else, or nothing, just as long as your breathing and i left. an hour and a half later. im still reminding myself to breathe. im remembering everything to look forward to today, and not let time get the best of me. the definition of today does not exist. the need for something is the culprit. letting go is the key.