gratefulness like a ton of bricks

starting your own business isnt easy. i have four jobs right now and jumbling all of them together to make ends meet and still coming up short is frustrating. sometimes i just want to rip my hair out. sometimes, like everyone, i lose sight of myself. last night i went to a yoga class and at the end me and about forty people found some stillness on a friday night in the middle of manhattan. we sat together in a quiet meditation it hit me like a ton of bricks. sometimes you just snap out of things. in my frustration i had lost some sight about what i DO have in my life to be grateful for. as i started to list them off in my mind i felt like i should scold myself for my lapse of good judgement. and i dont think im judging myself in a negative way, im just trying to keep myself in perspective.

im thankful for my yoga practice and the amazing community that goes along with it. i learn new things every day. im reminded of how important coming back to the mat everyday is. and also that the yogis i admire so much always remind me in their dharma talks before class that they go through the same thing i do. that we are all connected, and that connection is love.

im thankful for my love. we are not perfect and we dont always agree but i love coming home everynight to the home that we are making together and sharing my sandwich with him and my gorgeous stupid cat the lola. i have aptly named them my homies.

im thankful to my family. i have always been aware of how lucky i am to have the parents i have that have always supported me and accepted me. now as i get older, i realize everyday even more how short our precious life is and how we should savor every moment we get to spend together.

im thankful for my little massage practice. its still very wobbly and getting off the ground, but im thankful i have a space and for my clients and for my own instinct to make my practice my own. using my western style massage influenced with twists of eastern healing and aromatherapy makes me feel like i have my own style and something someone would seek out.
and the best thing is that i really love what i do. im happy when im massaging and that happiness and love is what matters in what you do.

i am super grateful for all my supporters of my massage practice. all my friends who give out my card and tell their friends and my yoga studio for spreading the good word and especially to my friend and acupuncturist erin telford at radiant heart acupuncture for supporting mewhole heartedly since the beginning.

and yes new york is expensive and hard sometimes, but hey, i have a house i can for the most part pay for, bills i kind of can pay on time and enough pocket money for some bread and coffee. the essentials of nyc.

im thankful for all my little jobs. im thankful for my herbal pharmacy jobs that keeps me on my toes and opens my eyes everyday that just because i dont have health insurance, doesnt mean i cant heal myself. holiistic wellness has thrived for thousands of years without manufacturing the cure in some lab. and for The Brooklyn Academy of Music for tapping me back into the amazing culture thriving 7 minutes from my house every single night. Last week, peeking in on The Three Penny Opera, this week The Cloud Gate dance company from Taiwan. I actually got to see the first lady of Taiwan after the show. Next week the Kronos Quartet returns. Even if I dont get to see the shows, I love the feeling of being a part of something so full of history yet incredibly modern.

and im thankful for my friends. for they are all shariing in my struggle and when i was younger i would never admit this, but i couldnt do this without them. my support for them is undying and i know that i always have a quiet unsaid support in return. you know who yall are.

and all at once, my gratitude was overwhelming and i realized that life ebbs and flows and before i had lots of money, and i wasnt really happy so maybe it takes a little bit of brokeness and unexpectedness and really living life in the moment to remind me of what i do have instead of what i dont. living the life.