happy new year

happy new year.  we made it past the world ending and it seems, at least for me that we are filled with unlimited possibilities.  last year on new years i stayed in.  i had some time to myself,  set some massive intentions and burned away what i didn't want in my life anymore.  it was very specific.  i meditated.  i drank one glass of champagne.  i cleared my apartment with sage,  i listened to a play list on repeat.  it was good for me,  but it was also in a way,  a list.  a ritual is a nicer way of saying it but it was something i had decided to do and i had defined it and i did it.  it was a good thing,i felt like i brought to life a lot of manifestations that made last year a great one.  but this year i had no such plan.  i made no resolutions,  i made no lists or promises to myself,  i didn't write anything down and burn in it in the night.  i just wanted to go to a nice restaurant with my love,  have some gnocchi and bubbly and watch some fireworks.  this year i didn't want to be so damn serious about it.

my issues tend to lie on my fixating on one thing and if it works out,  massive happiness and if it doesn't,  oh god death and destruction.  that is something i am trying to move away from.  finding some middle ground between zero and a galaxy full of stars.  so something simple i believed would be just fine for a Monday night celebration.  i had heard about this teeny tiny restaurant in Brooklyn,  it was a five minute train ride from my house.  homemade pasta,  good prices and most importantly prosecco on tap. i had been wanting to go for awhile and this seemed like the perfect night.  i love me some bubbly,  as i root out other spirits that i try to avoid i never pass on a good glass of bubbly. this place has it on a tap for 6 dollars a glass and i was so excited.  this little gem is called Va Beh,  don't know what that means but it only has 18 seats so i figured something small.  very romantic for a new years eve feast.  Rj and i decided not to even go into Manhattan, to just dress up and spent the night together.  but even at the simplest of errands i could feel control creeping up my spine.  does this dress look terrible?  what is there is a long wait?  will i be too cold? are these shoes okay? my mind starting to go off and i tried desperately to settle it.  but hey,  none of those things seemed to happen.  we hopped on the train and over to the place and miraculously walked right in and sat down. it wasnt too cold,  i felt pretty.   it was lit by candlelight,  it smelled amazing and our server came over and started to list off a beautiful assortment of the nights specials.  she left us a moment to peruse over the menu and asked what we would like to drink for the evening.  "2 glasses of prosecco" i declared and that's when it happened.  they were out of prosecco.  what the fuck?  your out of prosecco?  but,  it new years eve,  but that's the whole reason i came here,  but how stupid could you be to be out of prosecco on a night like this.  a night i need it to make my night perfect.  a night that....

i realized then,  that i was arguing with myself.  with expectations i had given myself.  that no one else knew about,  that the universe didn't need to exist,  that i didn't need to be happy.  and that's when it hit me.  that is what my resolution should be.  my mind and i were battling and i was letting it win all the games all the time.  i didn't have to let the absence of a small glass of sparkling wine destroy my night.  i didn't need to let anything destroy my night.  i was in a restaurant,  looking cute with the man i love.  just get over it and order something else.  and then i started laughing,  all the sudden it seemed so trivial it was comical.

the waitress came back with 2 wines she suggested were nice by the glass.  i picked the "earthier" one while rj opted for the "ashy" one.  once she left we both laughed again.  both of our wines were less than what we were expecting. they were both pretty gross,  but from the way our server sold them,  we should be thanking her for letting us experience them at all.   the wine was ok.  the food,  wasn't that great.  the music was horrendous.  loud 90s prom music. our waitress was drinking a lot too and flirting with the owner,  it took us forever to get our check and the nasty wine was 14 dollars a glass. but somehow we managed to laugh through the whole entire thing.  it didn't matter to me anymore about the expectations i had presented for this little restaurant.  i was having a good time,  it was new years eve,  and it was NO BIG DEAL.

afterwards we walked over and met some friends.  i opted to drink a martini to keep the openness of the night going and we walked over to grand army plaza and watched the fireworks at midnight.  we didn't make it on time,  we lost our friends and we were in midstride when the countdown began.  but it didn't matter we just started wishing everyone a happy new year and everyone else wished us one in return.  people were yelling out their windows and dancing in the streets. it was really fun.  and then we walked home and went to bed.

to go with the flow,  that is my resolution.  i dont know much about astrology but apparently "Saturn returns"  into my sign this year and every horoscope i have read says that the next three years of my life will be the most important powerful and defining of my years.  it says the next three years will completely change my life and i will come out in 2015 as a completely new person,  a better person.  so i asked myself why i should try and control something that the universe has already planned for me.  Im  excited cause it seems like such a massive event I'm just going to be happy and wait for it all to happen.  and prosecco will not define it.  the people in my life, my family,  my career those are important things that i should pay attention to,  and to myself.  i need to listen to what i need instead of what i want and go with that.  and wait for the endless possibilities of Saturn and the best years of my life.